Shepherd of the Hills

These words were written in 1907 by Harold Bell Wright, in the book, Shepherd of the Hills. "Here and there among men, there are those who pause in the hurried rush to listen to the call of a life that is more real. How often have we seen them, jostled and ridiculed by their fellows, pushed aside and forgotten, as incompetent or unworthy. He who sees and hears too much is cursed for a dreamer, a fanatic, or a fool, by the mad mob, who, having eyes, see not, ears and hear not, and refuse to understand. We build temples and churches, but will not worship in them; we hire spiritual advisers, but refuse to heed them; we buy bibles, but will not read them; believing in God, we do not fear Him; acknowledging Christ, we neither follow not obey Him. Only when we can no longer strive in the battle for earthly honors or material wealth, do we turn to the unseen but more enduring things of life; and with ears deafened by the din of selfish war and cruel violence, and eyes blinded by the glare of passing pomp and folly, we strive to hear and see the things we have so long refused to consider." 

For many years, for Christmas and birthdays, I would search through out of the way used book stores and antique stores for the out of print books by Harold Bell Wright for my Dad who was collecting them. I had never read one of his books until now. A few years ago, we visited Branson, Missouri, in the Ozark Mountains, where this story takes place. I bought the book to bring home and just now got around to reading it. It's a wonderful story. 

  "This, my story, is a very old story. In the hills of life there are two trails. One lies along the higher sunlit fields where those who journey see afar, and the light lingers even when the sun is down; and one leads to the lower ground, where those who travel, as they go, look always over their shoulders with eyes of dread, and gloomy shadows gather long before the day is done." I pray that I will always choose the higher trail, seeking after the true, the real, the gifts of God.

Put off the Old. . . Put on the New 💮

Just as animals or insects enjoy the skin they're in for awhile, then grow and change and shed that old skin to make way for the new skin that fits them. . . even we, no matter our age or season of life may find that we have outgrown the skin we're in. . . or our clothes don't reflect who we have grown to be! I'm not talking about our literal clothes or skin, but our lives, our jobs, the things we surround ourselves with. One day we realize that our "old selves" don't fit.

It's usually an uncomfortable season before we realize why we feel as we do. The job that was such an answer to prayer becomes a burden. The ways we loved to spend our time start weighing us down. We know there is more out there. We know our heart has outgrown our capacity (in our old skin, clothes, job, environment) to express itself. 

Listening to a podcast by Emily P. Freeman called The Next Right Thing, she talks about how to leave the room. When you walked into the room, it was the right room. You were thankful to be there, everything fit. Then slowly, as you look around, you begin to realize it's not the right room any more. 

Sometimes God redirects us through events or situations that to us, feel more like rejection.  As we trust in God's leading and trust that His path is before us, we can step out in faith. It feels as if we will fall, that we're stepping off a cliff, away from what was once secure. The security, safety, stability isn't there any more. The feeling that we belong isn't there. So we strike out to find that space that fits us, the room we want to be in.

Lord, I will accept your garland, your oil of gladness, your cloak of praise, your garments of salvation and your robe of righteousness. I will trade in my ashes, mourning and disheartened spirit. I will welcome this new season and learn to be comfortable in my new skin.

Isaiah 61:3, 10

Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The cloak of praise instead of a disheartened spirit.

I will rejoice greatly in the Lord,
My soul will be joyful in my God;
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation,
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness,

Ephesians 4:22-23

 That, in reference to your former way of life, you are to rid yourselves of the old self, you are to be renewed in the spirit of your minds,  and to put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

Trust and Rest

In these days of uncertainty, it's easy to feel that it all depends on us. The outcomes we seek depend on our words and actions, our plans and hard work.

When I was in England, 4 years ago almost to the day, I came up with a slogan. It was my motto every day, everywhere I went. It came about because of a day in which I lost my train pass getting on the first train of the day. Then after moving through that crisis, at the next station, I got on the wrong train! That was solved fairly uneventfully thanks to the courtesy of the train conductor. It convinced me that I needed to slow down and in the midst of an apparent crisis, to trust God to sort it out.

So my motto became: Trust. . . rest. . . and do my best.

Trust in God, in his providing in every circumstance, in His guiding voice and love.

Rest in that trust, rest in the fact that God has everything under control and I can rest in that..

Do my best to think clearly, take my time, ask questions (always ask 3 times to make sure it's the right train!)

This summer, I'm not in England, but each day is full of opportunities to trust, rest and do my best. 

Regardless of where we find ourselves, our job situation or responsibilities, frustrations or struggles, we can slow down and seek God's grace and beauty. Things may not happen as fast as we want them to, or in the way we were hoping or planning, but we can "humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God, and He will raise us up in due time". We can cast all of our anxieties on Him because He cares about us."  

The Message:

1 Peter 5: 6-7 So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. 

NIV

1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Sometimes all we can do is let go, and wherever we find ourselves, to fill our lives with God's grace and beauty. 

Out of My Control

                Out of my control. . . looking back at the last two weeks of my life, this is what I see. 

I'm writing this as a reminder to myself and with the hope that it may help someone else. 

Never in my wildest imagination would I have believed that I would

1. go without solid food for 5 days
2. spend those 5 days in a hospital bed
3. miss my granddaughters' two year birthday party
4. miss my granddaughters' dedication 
5. miss one week of school
6. go to the ER which started it all and for which I am extremely thankful.

My "episodes" go back 10-15 years, reading up on my symptoms, going to 5 different doctors, blood tests, ultrasound of my gallbladder, and endoscopy with no diagnosis or conclusion as to what was causing my symptoms. It was easy to live with not knowing when they occurred so infrequently. Last summer, when the frequency picked up and was happening twice a week, almost on schedule, every 3-4 days, it became my life's mission to "control" these episodes. Was it the food I ate? the food I didn't eat? the supplements I took? the supplements I didn't take? was it my breathing? was it . . . . . so I was constantly searching for the answer. 

Once I cut my coffee intake down to 1 cup of low acid coffee each morning (as opposed to one pot!) and my symptoms stayed away for a month only to return with a vengeance. Depending on the day and time, there were a few times I had to leave work for an hour or two until the pain would subside. I missed the 4th of July with family, a Christmas party and babysitting my grandchildren. 

When the symptoms lasted 8 hours on a Sunday, I made two phone calls to the on call G.I. doctor only to be told to try Tylenol and an antacid. The following Thursday, a day at home due to the ice on the roads, my symptoms returned just like clockwork. The muscle spasms were extreme and I knew I couldn't stay home. I drove to a nearby ER. They listened, took my pain seriously, gave me anti nausea medicine, muscle relaxer and pain medicine. They did an EKG, a CT scan and an ultrasound of my gallbladder. I was told that I had an obstructed gallstone and I needed to be transferred to a hospital to have a procedure done to remove the gallstone. I requested my current GI doctor, but they recommended a different hospital and had called and set up my transfer.

After driving home, picking up a few things, driving to the hospital only to find the waiting room overflowing and being ignored by the receptionist I drove back home, getting lost and turning around 5 times (in an area I know well). Driving back home, I remembered they left the IV in my arm. I made another call to the on call doctor I had spoken with on Sunday, he said I could go to their ER, but they would probably start from scratch and there may not be a room. I decided to attempt it so I drove to their ER, was told the same, so I drove back to the ER on the transfer paperwork and arrived at 10:00 pm to a quiet waiting room. I was in and out of the waiting room until 4:00 am when they found me a temporary room off of the ER in which I was able to sleep in 10 minute increments in between the blood pressure checks. 

I was later taken to a permanent room on the 3rd floor (beautiful, big room), comfy bed, and told I would be having the procedure soon. This is still Friday so I'm expecting to get home and go to the birthday party on Saturday and the church dedication on Sunday, and of course there are important deadlines to be met this week at school, special olympics etc. I proceeded to inform everyone of my important schedule at home and that we really needed to pick up the pace and get me home. I was then told that I had severe pancreatitis and I wasn't going anywhere. My numbers were in the thousands as opposed to a healthy number in the low hundreds. I was told they would need to do an MRI to be certain the stone was still there before they performed the procedure (ERCP). After the MRI showed no stones but a very inflamed gall bladder full of stones, the surgeon came in and told me he would remove my gallbladder on Monday, this being Saturday. Knowing I could walk out of the hospital and schedule it as an outpatient surgery was a struggle for my heart. I also knew I would have another episode soon and didn't want to or think I could, live through another one. 

It took many conversations with family, friends,  contemplation and prayer before I was able to be at peace with my situation. I reflected on the amount of pain I had lived through, and knew I couldn't continue. I also was convinced it could easily escalate to a very dangerous situation. So, with new sought wisdom and grace, I was able to sit still in a hospital bed, on IV fluids, no food or water for the first 40 hours, then clear liquids for a couple of days, then nothing before my surgery. On the day of my surgery I was completely at peace, believing that being in this place, totally outside of my control and my "plan" was exactly where I was meant to be. 

We seek God's help and wisdom and make our plans, believing they are best. Sometimes we have to be picked up and set down in a place not of our choosing, to see the hand of God, working in our circumstances and bringing about the healing we have been seeking for so long.      

                                                                                     

So the next time you are feeling out of control of your circumstances, look to see what God might be doing, seek Him and cling to Him for dear life. Learn to let go of the plans we hold so tightly to.

"So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  

Isaiah 41:10

P.S. With the exception of some slight adjustments, I have had a restful, pain free 10 days since my surgery and look forward to many, many more.

Snow

 It snowed yesterday. It snowed in Texas yesterday. For me, snow has always brought beauty, peace, a sense of quiet and holiness. It renews my spirit, Life feels clean and new. I feel hopeful as white blankets my view. 

Sitting on my front porch brings even more joy. I noticed some birds, probably sparrows, hopping around across the street in my neighbor’s yard. I wondered if I had any bird seed left. Looking in my laundry room cabinet I found just enough to fill my bird feeder and scatter some on the ground. The bird feeder is just the right color blue to match the blue jays who alight on the branches just above and bravely hop onto the edge of the little blue house to find seeds. Yesterday, there were cardinals, blue jays, sparrows and even a big black crow. They were all peacefully sharing the space and seeds. 

As I watched through the snowflakes gently falling, creating this magical moment, I realized the blue jays feathers were the exact same color of blue as the little blue house of the bird feeder. I couldn’t have planned this moment of beauty if I had tried! Somehow, I had created the opportunity for this beauty to happen. God gave me the beauty through the seeds I scattered, taking the time to shop online for the perfect little bird feeder, hanging it from the tree branch in perfect view from my front porch glider, and cherishing the time to sit and see. . . .

Thank you Lord, for the beauty you give us and for seeing us as we see the world after a snowfall . . . clean, new, and holy.