Out of My Control

                Out of my control. . . looking back at the last two weeks of my life, this is what I see. 

I'm writing this as a reminder to myself and with the hope that it may help someone else. 

Never in my wildest imagination would I have believed that I would

1. go without solid food for 5 days
2. spend those 5 days in a hospital bed
3. miss my granddaughters' two year birthday party
4. miss my granddaughters' dedication 
5. miss one week of school
6. go to the ER which started it all and for which I am extremely thankful.

My "episodes" go back 10-15 years, reading up on my symptoms, going to 5 different doctors, blood tests, ultrasound of my gallbladder, and endoscopy with no diagnosis or conclusion as to what was causing my symptoms. It was easy to live with not knowing when they occurred so infrequently. Last summer, when the frequency picked up and was happening twice a week, almost on schedule, every 3-4 days, it became my life's mission to "control" these episodes. Was it the food I ate? the food I didn't eat? the supplements I took? the supplements I didn't take? was it my breathing? was it . . . . . so I was constantly searching for the answer. 

Once I cut my coffee intake down to 1 cup of low acid coffee each morning (as opposed to one pot!) and my symptoms stayed away for a month only to return with a vengeance. Depending on the day and time, there were a few times I had to leave work for an hour or two until the pain would subside. I missed the 4th of July with family, a Christmas party and babysitting my grandchildren. 

When the symptoms lasted 8 hours on a Sunday, I made two phone calls to the on call G.I. doctor only to be told to try Tylenol and an antacid. The following Thursday, a day at home due to the ice on the roads, my symptoms returned just like clockwork. The muscle spasms were extreme and I knew I couldn't stay home. I drove to a nearby ER. They listened, took my pain seriously, gave me anti nausea medicine, muscle relaxer and pain medicine. They did an EKG, a CT scan and an ultrasound of my gallbladder. I was told that I had an obstructed gallstone and I needed to be transferred to a hospital to have a procedure done to remove the gallstone. I requested my current GI doctor, but they recommended a different hospital and had called and set up my transfer.

After driving home, picking up a few things, driving to the hospital only to find the waiting room overflowing and being ignored by the receptionist I drove back home, getting lost and turning around 5 times (in an area I know well). Driving back home, I remembered they left the IV in my arm. I made another call to the on call doctor I had spoken with on Sunday, he said I could go to their ER, but they would probably start from scratch and there may not be a room. I decided to attempt it so I drove to their ER, was told the same, so I drove back to the ER on the transfer paperwork and arrived at 10:00 pm to a quiet waiting room. I was in and out of the waiting room until 4:00 am when they found me a temporary room off of the ER in which I was able to sleep in 10 minute increments in between the blood pressure checks. 

I was later taken to a permanent room on the 3rd floor (beautiful, big room), comfy bed, and told I would be having the procedure soon. This is still Friday so I'm expecting to get home and go to the birthday party on Saturday and the church dedication on Sunday, and of course there are important deadlines to be met this week at school, special olympics etc. I proceeded to inform everyone of my important schedule at home and that we really needed to pick up the pace and get me home. I was then told that I had severe pancreatitis and I wasn't going anywhere. My numbers were in the thousands as opposed to a healthy number in the low hundreds. I was told they would need to do an MRI to be certain the stone was still there before they performed the procedure (ERCP). After the MRI showed no stones but a very inflamed gall bladder full of stones, the surgeon came in and told me he would remove my gallbladder on Monday, this being Saturday. Knowing I could walk out of the hospital and schedule it as an outpatient surgery was a struggle for my heart. I also knew I would have another episode soon and didn't want to or think I could, live through another one. 

It took many conversations with family, friends,  contemplation and prayer before I was able to be at peace with my situation. I reflected on the amount of pain I had lived through, and knew I couldn't continue. I also was convinced it could easily escalate to a very dangerous situation. So, with new sought wisdom and grace, I was able to sit still in a hospital bed, on IV fluids, no food or water for the first 40 hours, then clear liquids for a couple of days, then nothing before my surgery. On the day of my surgery I was completely at peace, believing that being in this place, totally outside of my control and my "plan" was exactly where I was meant to be. 

We seek God's help and wisdom and make our plans, believing they are best. Sometimes we have to be picked up and set down in a place not of our choosing, to see the hand of God, working in our circumstances and bringing about the healing we have been seeking for so long.      

                                                                                     

So the next time you are feeling out of control of your circumstances, look to see what God might be doing, seek Him and cling to Him for dear life. Learn to let go of the plans we hold so tightly to.

"So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  

Isaiah 41:10

P.S. With the exception of some slight adjustments, I have had a restful, pain free 10 days since my surgery and look forward to many, many more.